After many many tears of dedicated support of one company AutoRage I have decided to tell them to take their P and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Aaah the folly of youth when, as a young businessman I carried a pager around on my person. Imagine, if you will, the thrill that every young hot blooded male businessman experienced when the Autopage sales rep arrived at his door, alighting from her white vehicle, resplendent in white, blonde hair shining in the sun and teeth sparkling. Man, you knew you had arrived when the poppie came a knocking. NOW, you were a man of substance as you qualified as a VIB (Very Important Businessman) and had to carry a pager because you were ON CALL.

Move on a few years when the pager was replaced with a brick - Siemens S1 was my cultural weapon of choice and the poppie was there to take your R3000.00 and R2.00 per minute.

As the phones got smaller the poppie got older, fatter, married, moved on and disappeared.

Now you stayed with Autopage because they were familiar and they offered you a good deal. BUT, you no longer qualified for that poppie visit. The poppie was swopped for Koos wiff no teeth, operating out of a converted garage close to your work.

But you stayed because Koos was basically a good guy, a working stiff who had a wife and kids.

Then Autopage took your money for six months after you cancelled your LAST cellphone contract with them and trying to get your money back was just too much effort. And, for a while you dealt with some other okes.

Then, you were approached by what can only have been Koos's son with a great deal for you. He sat on your porch and was ever so helpful and, what the hell, give the boy a break, signed your life away on the more expensive option wiff two phones, intending to give one to the long hair, despite your misgivings about Autopage stealing your money.

Of course they do not have your phone of choice and it takes four flipping weeks to finally get joy out of the flipping store room and finally Autopage release the phone to you.

All goes well until your phone gets damaged. To add insult to injury it gets water damaged whilst you are spending your holiday helping some other blokes snot nose and all for NOTHING.

But, you trust Autopage and the insurance that you have on your phone and take your completely stuffed phone for inspection. Koos's older brother says he will let you know. Two weeks later you are getting the moering because Koos's older brother has forgotten that you exist and you go in to see the laaitie.

Now this bliksemse snot nose tells you that your phone is not insured for water damage, only if it is lost or stolen. Now you tune the laaitie that Autopage is now going to turn you into a criminal because they are forcing you to make a false statement to the police tuning them that your phone was lost or stolen.

The laatie just grins and twists your short and curlies a little more with his FOK JOU attitude.

Your WASP upbringing wins through, though, and you decide that becoming a criminal just is not your style. So, you shut up, pay your R500.00 a month WITHOUT the use of a phone, for the final twelve months of your contract.

So waar as wragtig, you get a call from a 'retention consultant', more like anal retentive you think, but, man, this chick is offering you a deal of a flipping lifetime so you go in to Autopage's new FANCY offices in Newton Park.

You speak to some oke with a girls name and he is doing the hard sell on you. So, you tune him that if he throws in a bluetooth headset AND you get to retain your FREE minutes that have been accumulating like vegetables on a game farm then he can do the NASTY. Man, if you ask this oke for a blowjob he will probably give it to you so keen is he. Anyway he promises that you will not lose your free minutes, you get a cheaper top up package and kief new phone. Geez it almost feels as good as the time you saw the sun shining through the Autopage Pager girls white blouse.

The long hair is jealous and the dwarves smaak your new phone as you reveal it in it's sleek shininess and you begin to assault your 'accumulated' free minutes by tuning all your buddies that you are back in the world of the connected.

SHIT, and then it happens, this breathy women's voice says; "Please be advised that you have no more airtime available. Please top up at your nearest Cell C outlet."

Stunned Silence and then the scream; "Faaaaaaaaaaark, what is going on here?" Of course it is Sunday and you cannot phone the local yokels so you get on to the internet and contact Autopage via their Customer Care line.

If ONLY I had known then, what I know now.................

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